The God Illusion

He felt sick, the moment he went into the cathedral there were people there, people with feelings, people that you would not trust your younger cousins with.  

One has to go into cathedrals only when you have a girlfriend who’s Catholic. Well not only then, sometimes you go when you’re visiting Eastern Europe.  You go because you have to, it’s in the rulebook of tourism. Go to the castle, or to the big church or go to the Jewish Quarter. All because if you don’t, you’ll have cultural void that will be silently mocked by every halfwit who’s been, done it and Facebooked it.  

You went to Prague  


Wasn’t the castle amazing 

I didn’t go to the castle (I played fussball instead)

What?! You didn’t see the castle… 



It’s amazing

Yeah, I gather they have some very pleasant stained glass windows 

Yeah – they’re amazing

It was sometime around the period of which Tobermory was visiting his 17th big church in Eastern Europe that he realised that he didn’t really enjoy walking to or walking around big churches. So he stopped. 

This made absolutely no difference when he met his Polish girlfriend.  She was proper Catholic.  She wouldn’t even sleep with him. Every now and again she let him touch her tits.  They were nice tits, but they were no substitute for coming.  Or being inside her in general, he assumed but did not know.

The Problem was God.  He was the unwanted third party in their relationship.  He needed to cut him out.  He knew it early on as the hand of chastity swooped again as he groped her inner thigh. She moved it to her waist where there was no pleasure to be gained.  

The trouble with God is that he doesn’t speak much.  He is just there; omnipotent, ruining everything. 

Marry me and you will get your wish


He made a move for her boob but her hand forbid it 

I’m going shopping on Sunday and won’t have time for confessions.

It’s that kind of god-logic that you can’t argue with. 

He started reading the God Delusion to give him some populist academic rhetoric to fight Him with.

It was no use in arguing with God though, he is most unreasonable and always unwilling to take his leave. 

She was sleeping when he left for work.  Fiolek slept soundly, it would be rude and cruel to wake such a beautiful creature.  When he got to work he discovered that school was closed because it was a bank holiday that he’d forgotten about.  He took the tube back home in a euphoric mood, no work and an opportunity to spend the whole day dry humping.  Maybe she’d agree to let him finger her today.  The sun was shining life was good.

The tube arrived exactly as he walked onto the station.  There was one seat free with today’s Independent resting on it.  There was an amusing cartoon on the back.  Everyone it seemed had taken to depicting David Cameron as a condom head.  This pleased Tobermory.  A man asked him for some change on the way home.  He gave him everything he had.

He decided to enter his home silently, he would surprise her.  

He opened the door as she was getting violently fucked from behind. 

God had never been there, except as a convenient illusion.  Catholics are all the same

Dedicated to The Pope, my hero.


About Paul David Beaumont

Occasional journalist, part-time socialist & full time International Relations PhD student. Available for hire - but never in the morning. Academia page:
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