You smile “I know, I know”.
“Would you like some Pringles instead?”
“Oh that, that would be marvelous, thanks”
If you try to explain that you just don’t like nuts, well you’re in trouble.
Your host will look upon you with a mixture of wide eyed disbelief and a kind of pity that is usually reserved for the special kind of simpleton who gets the first question wrong on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.
“Are you sure you don’t like nuts? – any nuts?”
Are you sure your final answer is ‘Black Hawk Clown’?
“Yes I’m quite sure thank you”
In the future, this is where the conversation will end. They’ll offer you crisps, pretzels or if you’re at that type of friend’s house – hummus and pitta. But the future isn’t here yet; I guarantee that at least one or more of those snacks exist in a nearby cupboard- that is where they will remain. You aren’t someone who doesn’t like nuts; you are merely unconverted, like a homosexual yet to be cured.
They won’t bring you hummus, Golden Wonder nor pretzel; they will bring you all the nuts, food containing nuts and nut flavored food they have. If they don’t have what they consider to be a sufficient quantity of nut related foodstuffs (and they probably won’t) then they will call on their neighbor to help out. They won’t have spoken to the neighbor for months because of a long-term quarrel about the outside bins but this will quickly get put to one side however once the gravitas of The Situation is known.
They don’t even bother with pleasantries.
“My friend thinks he doesn’t like nuts”
“What! Not even cashew nuts?”
“Not even cashew nuts – apparently…”.
“Wait here” The bins are now long forgotten and the neighbor hurries into their house. The sound of cupboards banging open and shut is tempered only by the rustling of foil. A couple of minutes later the neighbor returns with chocolate coated Brazil nuts and a pecan pie.
You meanwhile are sat motionless in your friend’s lounge and its not long before your pulse starts to quicken and a shrill voice begins to speak to you through your left index finger.
Run, run away run away now
It’s too late though and your friend and neighbor bound in.
“Now, have you ever tried a Brazil nut” they start. .
‘Yes’ you explain, staring at the open window ‘and I hated it.’
This is only on the first floor, it wouldn’t be fatal; it would take a lot of explaining but at least it wouldn’t be fatal.
They smile sympathetically and answer in unison.
“Aha – but have you ever tried a Brazil nut in chocolate?”
These people are idiots, kill them now and make the world a better place
“No” you hazard. “But I know I don’t like Brazil nuts”
They exchange a knowing glance and again reply as one “We thought you might say that”. Your pupils dilate as they reach inside a silver bag resting previously unnoticed by the neighbour’s ankles.
“It doesn’t even taste like nuts”
Of course it does, a Brazil nut in chocolate is still a Brazil nut – it’s just a Brazil nut in chocolate. These people are worse than idiots; they are idiots who think you are a moron.
“You’ll love it” They say, as your host thrusts the chocolate encrusted poison at your mouth. You recoil, and on the verge of blacking out, drop into a kind of psychosis. Your index finger begins chanting nursery rhymes.
Three blind mice three blind mice, See how they run see how they run
“Come on, we promise, you’ll be surprised – it’s basically just chocolate”
They demonically start to wave the nut in your face, and your finger starts on Roald Dahl.
And at that moment her eyelashes flickered
“Just try it, you’ll like it…”
And she whipped a pistol from her knickers…
You come to -and at once alert you realize what you have to do and just as your jaw is being prised open, you reach into your pocket and remove your half eaten sandwich from lunch. Momentarily your tormentors pause in confusion, allowing you time to scoop out the warm soft stilton with your fingers.
“Urgh what the fuck is that?”
Smiling, you carefully explain “Its cheese, blue cheese – It’s called Stilton I believe – it’s delicious and you’ll love it, I promise you. What? you don’t like blue cheese. Well this is different, totally different. Its barely even cheese, you won’t even taste the mould. The blue smelly mould that pulses through its core. Really you should try it.”
They are repelled in disgust. You push the stilton into your mouth and chew it with your mouth open. The neighbor runs out of the house wailing while your friend drops the Brazil nut and runs for the bathroom where he is violently sick.
It shouldn’t have to be this way you think as you amble into the kitchen to find the Hummus.
Dedicated to all those who have had to try to explain why they don’t like nuts/cheese/ drink milk/beer, eat meat or like Shakespeare