10 Tips For Not Making Enemies of Bar Staff


1. The guy collecting glasses is not trying to steal your drink.

2. Drinking fizzy soft drinks after 8pm makes you look like a thief. Sorry it’s true, that’s why we have told the bouncer to keep an eye on you.

3. Complaining about the prices to the bartender is tantamount barking at the moon; pointless and embarrassing.

4. Girls – sitting on your lover’s lap while there are plenty of seats available is seriously lame.

“Am I hurting you? God I’m so fat? Are you sure you’re okay?” Shut the fuck up and sit on one of numerous nearby available chairs.

5. That door that only the bartenders keep going into, that is not the toilet.

6.Hey buddy, it doesn’t matter how long you ruffle the gel in your hair, you won’t be getting laid tonight, now step away from the mirror by the stairs.

This is what a collection of you look like. Now do you understand? Its not that they don’t like your personality, (although in all honesty, its probably that too) – but clinically you are unfuckable.

7. No charming man has ever hit on a barmaid unprompted. Yes, the bargirl is obliged by their employment conditions to talk back to you, but that should not be taken as a sign of interest. Anyway, just so you know, you have precisely 0.0007% chance of success and a 100% chance of becoming an object of ridicule of the rest of the bar staff.

8. Leave old snus or gum in your glass and we will have to kill you. Sorry.

9. Drinking Jack Daniels is douchey. Referring to it as just “Jack” is even douchier. And this already world class douchiness is multiplied by one million if you are wearing a Jack Daniels T-shirt while you do it. If you then order by pointing at your T-shirt, nodding and smiling like some sort of simpleton bourbon connoisseur, we will again sadly have to take your life for the good of all mankind.

What could be better for demonstrating what a crazy alcoholic one is than by wearing the largest bourbon corporations logo as a T-shirt while holding not one but two bottles of their product?

10. Dancing with that strange old guy while all your friends laugh and take pictures make you all dickheads not heroes of comedy.

Everyone who is human and not a twitter porn spambot, You may follow me on Twitter at your leisure here.  Spambots, you are not to follow me at your leisure but instead commit some kind of painful cyber suicide. 

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About Paul Beaumont

Occasional journalist, part-time socialist & full time International Relations PhD student. Available for hire - but never in the morning. Academia page: https://umb.academia.edu/PaulBeaumont
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3 Responses to 10 Tips For Not Making Enemies of Bar Staff

  1. Lorna Bell says:

    Boz! Your blogs make my day better although from working in pubs I have a few of my own to add….
    1. Ordering the biggest round then asking for a Guiness right at the very end.
    2. Asking us to list the endless flavours of crisps we do when you all you actually want is ready salted or salt and vinegar.
    3.Reffering to Peroni as ”Nasty”.
    4. Ordering one drink at a time. I am not a retard.
    5. Going in when you’re probably only 16 and ordering 8 seperate archers and lemonade and paying for them one by one.
    6. Refusing to say ”take your own” as we clearly can’t be trusted and the 50p we take is too much so, instead, waiting until we come back with your change and putting a warm 20p into our hands like its a £20 note and you’ve changed our lives.
    7. Finally not saying please or thank you. You will get your change in 5p’s.
    8. Giving us random extra money because you want a pound change back instead of 80p change back. We will just put this in our tip jar.
    Enjoy! x

    • Ha! regarding number 6 I worked in a pub in Formby for a couple of months having only worked in bars in London. I had never heard of this “one for yourself” business and just assumed it was “one drink for yourself or the value of”. I thought bloody hell people are generous around here. It was only on my 3rd shift that someone noticed and all hell let loose (sort of) and the guy accused me of stealing form him. It was only after the landlord cut in and explained that I wasn’t from round here and so couldn’t be expected to understand that he calmed down. Obviously I didn’t point out that I could barely have been more from round there given I was raised less than 500m away.

      Agree with all of them. Ordering a drink one at a time I can confirm is an international problem.

      P.s. Glad you like my blog – it’s nice to hear – occasionally I feel like I am shouting in an empty room. Certainly I get a lot of hits on here from people who are looking for something else. For example today one Google term that led someone to me was:
      “hired women fuck on boat pictures” and 18 people looking for “fuck move” this month alone.

  2. Geraint says:

    Agreed on all counts, and there are so many more. People need to grasp that if they’re going to dabble in Euro-lagers, they’ve got to keep abreast of the ever changing nomenclature. Yes, “Stella” is indeed normal, and asking for a “Stella Artois” might get you pencilled in on some kind of register, but this does not mean you can use such abominations as the aforementioned “Nasty”, “Naz”, “Kronie” or, heaven forbid, “1664”. And saying “Budweiser” with a “v” makes you sound like a knob, not a sophisticate.

    Also, if you’re an adult, particularly an adult male, don’t ask for a tray to carry three drinks, in the name of love.

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