1. The guy collecting glasses is not trying to steal your drink.
2. Drinking fizzy soft drinks after 8pm makes you look like a thief. Sorry it’s true, that’s why we have told the bouncer to keep an eye on you.
3. Complaining about the prices to the bartender is tantamount barking at the moon; pointless and embarrassing.
4. Girls – sitting on your lover’s lap while there are plenty of seats available is seriously lame.
5. That door that only the bartenders keep going into, that is not the toilet.
6.Hey buddy, it doesn’t matter how long you ruffle the gel in your hair, you won’t be getting laid tonight, now step away from the mirror by the stairs.
7. No charming man has ever hit on a barmaid unprompted. Yes, the bargirl is obliged by their employment conditions to talk back to you, but that should not be taken as a sign of interest. Anyway, just so you know, you have precisely 0.0007% chance of success and a 100% chance of becoming an object of ridicule of the rest of the bar staff.
8. Leave old snus or gum in your glass and we will have to kill you. Sorry.
9. Drinking Jack Daniels is douchey. Referring to it as just “Jack” is even douchier. And this already world class douchiness is multiplied by one million if you are wearing a Jack Daniels T-shirt while you do it. If you then order by pointing at your T-shirt, nodding and smiling like some sort of simpleton bourbon connoisseur, we will again sadly have to take your life for the good of all mankind.
Everyone who is human and not a twitter porn spambot, You may follow me on Twitter at your leisure here. Spambots, you are not to follow me at your leisure but instead commit some kind of painful cyber suicide.